tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC January 8, 2011 12:35am-1:35am EST
captions paid foby nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applau ] >> jimmy: thank yo all. thank you. oh, man oh, man, it's a friy crowd here in new york city i can feel it. i can feel the energy. how you guys doing? good? [ cheers and applause welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," you guys. hey, this is getting a lot of attention. yesterday, california congresswoman lynn woolsey referred to the war in afghanistan as anational embarrassment." then she watched the premiere of "jersey shore" and was like "never mind. [ laughter ] 're all good, we're all good." speaking of "jersey shore," in an interview wh "extra," snooki said that s could do "jersey shore" until she's 50. [ laughter ] wa, snooki isn't 50? [ laughter check this out, a new study found that humans started wearing clots about 170 thousand years ag in fact, the first sentence ev spok was, "me look fat in this?" [ laughter ]
"no -- me go work on fire. [ lghter ] [ yawn ] lo at the sun. [ laught ] me be goin" this is interesting, you guy a tnssexual man and woman say their son is following in thei footstepand getting a sex change to become theiraughter. yeah, it's the assic case of "like father whused to be a mother and thmother, who used to be a father, like son, who wants to be a daughter." [ laughter ] classic case. [ applause ] i'll te it. i'll take it. thank you so much. hey, las veg is bubbling rig now. it's hosting the consum electronics show, and a porn expot the same time this weekend. [ laughter ] yeah, nerds everywhere were like, "wait, consumer ectronics and rn are two different things" [ laughter ] [ applause ] that'right.
this weekend, las veg is hosting an electronics sh and a rn expo. in fact, e panting and moaning was so ld, the porn expoad to ask the droid booth to ep it down. [ laughter ] they were ke, "droid --" i just heard about this. a teenager in the northwest survived ten hours on a mountain, because he used tips fromhe discovery channel show, "man vs. wild." and also, because it was only ten hours. [ laughter ] big dl, right? "g up there, i smoked a joint, fell asleep, i woke up, rode my bike home. it was unbelievable!" [ laughter ] who cares? what's the big deal? [ cheers and applause ] that effort is nothing. h, you guys, tlc is coming out with a new show called "extreme couponing." [ light laughter ] it's about shoppers who bu everything with coupons. the show was good, but it takes so long, it backs up all the other shows behind it until
everyone's like, "can we open up another channel or something? [ laughter ] am i crazy? can ipeak to a manager? i mean --" [ light laughter ] listen to this. there's talk that kanye west is gonna produce justin bieber's next album [ audience groans ] yeah. it'll be good. it'll probly have a lot of -- what's th effect that changes your voice? uh -- puberty, yeah. [ laughter ] have a lot of purty on it. and finally, it tur out that a retired couple in washington with 23 grandkids has one of two winning ticke from the mega millions jackp. ye, the grandma and grandpa we like, "who's gonna visit us now, bitches? [ laughter ] yeah! you wanna see grandma? [heers and applause ] too old f us?" ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers d applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: "me visit us now, bitches!" we got such a great finish to the week tonight. oh man, i love her. teific actress from the new filmblue valentine," michle williams is here. [ cheers and applause ] good buzz on that movie. apparently grt performances -- her and ryanosling. he's a -- oh, great comedian. oh, i love this guy. now an auteur. he's an author got a great new book, it's ver funn patton oswalt is joining us! [ cheers and applause ] finally, that dude's here. i love him. big fan. we have chefs, daniel holzn and michael chernow from the meatbl shop -- [ cheers and applaus ] -- here in new york they're gonna be making a -- [ italian accent ] "spicy-a meatball" with me later hey guys, today is -- today is friday. [ chrs and applause it's time to party, yeah. that's usually when i catch up on some persal stuff, check my inbox, rurn some e-mails, and of cour, send out thankou notes. [ cheerand applause ] i'm just running a bit behd today, so i thought if you guys
wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write o my weekly thank you notes rht now. is that okay with you? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. kamal,an i get some thank you note writing music. ♪ [ lauger ] >> stevesomeone throw salt in his eye >> jimmy: looks like like an animatnic kamal. i don't kn what it is. like country bear jamboree. [ laughter ] ♪ [ lauger ] thank you -- ketchup packets -- for having exactly 1/10 of the amount of ketchup i'm gonna need. [ laughter ] ne ain't gonna do it. gotta cah-up. ♪ thank you --
velcro wallet for being the first sound you ar before someone says, "can u cover me?" [ laughter ] "i wish i could -- i ust --" [ imitates velcro ] ♪ thank you -- police officer in new hampshir who escorted a n and his pregnant wife to thhospital and then issued them a speeding ticket. [ laughter ] i hear th they even named the baby aft you, and i'd like to welcome the world douchey handleman. [ laughter ] there you go,ouchey. [ laughter ] douchehandleman. i thought it was nick handleman. >> steve: yeah, no it wasn't. it was "douchey." >> jimmy: that'd be t obvious. >> steve: no, the na is "douchey." >>immy: douchey haleman.' like skippy handlen. >> steve: right. that's from -- "family ties." not "douchey though. >> jimmy: ♪ whawould we do, baby without us? ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ what would we do, baby without us? ♪
♪ and there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪ ♪ whatould we do, baby without us? ♪ ♪ sha la, la, la [ cheers and applause ] can't stump those guys. >> steveyeah. can't stump the roots. >> steve: my favote character was douchey on that show. [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, toys that are impossible to remove from their packaging because they are secured with 36 twisty ties. [ laughter ] it shouldn't be easier to stea a car than iis to remove a toy truck from its packaging, sorr thank you. [ cheers a applause ] ♪ thank you -- person who keeps sending me change of address e-mails, even
though we haven't spoken in ten years. [ laughter ] i would reallyate it if you didn'tet any of the letters or packang that i never nt. [ laughter ] ♪ what would we do, baby without us? ♪ ♪ sha la, la, [ laughter ] ♪ sha la, la laaa ♪ no, no, no, that'srong, too. what is it? am i off? ♪ sha la, la, la i should do at? >> eve: yes -- >> jimmy: what do i do? >> steve: ♪ sha la, la laaa ♪ >> mmy: ♪ sha la, la laaa ♪ >> steve: ♪ sha la, la
laaa ♪ >> jimmy: a right, one, two three -- ♪ sha la, la laaa ♪ ♪ [ cheersnd applause ] jimmy: great song. >> steve: that's a great song. cut and print. ♪ >> jimmy: thanyou -- 82-year-old man o held two robbers at gunpoinand shot out the tires in their getaway vehicle -- for also directing "million dollar baby." [ laughter ] [ applause ] ♪ thank you -- ingrates- [ ght laughter ] not that you'd ce. [ laughter ] last one. >> steve: no. no! [ audience aws ] what? >> jimmy: it makes me -- it just makes meoehner-out. [ laughter ] and i don't want to get choked up. this is my st thing here. [ light laughter ] ♪ this is my last thing, yoknow? right here. hope you enjoy it. ♪ thank you -- chocolate chips -- for n being called sur turds.
the lack of energy [ male announcer ask your doctor about pristiq®, a prescription medicine proven to treat depressi. prisq is thought to work by affecting the levels of two chemicals in the brn, serotonin and repinephrine. te your doctor right away if your depression worsens or you have usual changes in mood, behavio or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increa suicidal thoughts and behaviorin children, teens and young adults pristiq is not appved for children under 18. do n take pristiq with maois. taking pristiq with nsaid pain relievers, asrin, or blood thinners may incrse bleeding risk. tell your doctor about all your medications, including those for migraine, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition. pristiq macause or worsen high blood preure, high clesterol, or glaucoma. tell your doctor if you have art disease or before you reduce or stop taking pristiq. side effects may include nause dizziness and sating. for me, pristiq is a key helping to treat my depression. ask your doctor aut pristiq.
♪ [ cheers and plause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back, guys. that was a little bit of the super bowl shfle for you. [ light laughter i love the super bowl shuffle, the classichicago bears hit. which reminds me, my absolute vorite football game of the year is coming up soon. not the supebowl. i barely know what that is. [ light laughter ] i'm lking about the pro bowl in holulu, hawaii. that's right. [ cheersnd applause ] pro bowl. i'm all about the pro bowl. that's the nfl's all-star game where every gat player in the league comesogether -- well, not every player -- the players from the super bowl won be there. they can't because th super bowl is the following wk anthey can't risgetting
hurt, but the rest of the n ele are gonna be there. they'lbe playing their hardest, toughest -- well, they won't play that hard, bause the game -- the game is meaningless and they don't want to rk getting hurt for the next sson. [ light laughter ] but still, i love the pro bowl. love me some pro bowl, yeah! [ scattered cheers ] in fact i've- [ cheers and applause ] i love it. outrageous! [ light laughter ] in fact, have you gs seen the pro bowl shuffle? it is my favorite. cck it out. ♪ ♪ we are the pro bl shuffling crew and we're getti on a plane to honolulu ♪ ♪ it ait about fame or getting paid just take us to hawaii so we can get lei-ed ♪ ♪ some of us have a super bowl ring but winning it all ain't evething ♪ ♪ 'cause a tiet to the super bowl'too much trouble we'd rather have fun and do the pro bowlhuffle ♪
♪ well, they call me brett and i like to dance then i text you a picture of what's in my pants ♪ ♪ i love the prbowls 'cause i ve to win been with more pro teams than a kardashian ♪ ♪ if you hear me say that'm retired that just means i'm currently for hir♪ ♪ i shop at sears and i'm on a roll shufflin' on down to anothepro bowl ♪ ♪ i'm the fun qb they call tom brady if you saw me fromhe back you'd think i was a la ♪ ♪ 'cause my hair is so long that it might deceive ya get it cut the same place as justin bieber ♪ ♪ all-american with looks to boot every night, i see gisele in her birthday suit ♪ ♪like homer simpson got aace full of stubble so iook good doing the pro bowl shuffle ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ a w-wow-wow yippie-o, yippie-ay it's your boy, mike vick here to save the day ♪ ♪ had to go tjail 'cause my homeboy snitched thelearned a new meing for the word -- [ whist ]♪ ♪ i can run it or throw it to score a goal
i just wish they let me play in the puppy bowl♪ ♪ stop barking bad about me all you'll get is the muze 'cause i just wanna do the proowl shuffle ♪ ♪ ♪ uh huh, uh huh uh huh, uh h, uh huh ♪ ♪ well, they call me troy polamalu and spelling my na is hard to do ♪ ♪ if you really wanna be just like me well, use more shampoo than a sorority ♪ ♪ i'll hit y so hard 'll rock your world my helmet's like a big-ass jheri curl ♪ ♪ i do the p bowl shuffle with a fck then i whip my hair like willow smith ♪ ♪ eli manning in the house the sa place i'll be watching the sur bowl this year ♪ ♪ you know my brother peyton, i'm sure you do i've been living his adow since i was two ♪ ♪laying for the giants is pretty neat i love them en more than rex ryan loveseet ♪ ♪ i won the super bowl a few years ago now the pro bowl shuffle is all i know ♪ ♪ we arehe pro bowl shuffling crew and we'reetting' on a plane to honolulu♪ ♪ it ain't about fame
or getting' paid justake us to hawaii so we can get lei-ed ♪ ♪ some of us have a super bowl ring but winning it all ai't everything ♪ ♪cause a ticket to the super bo's too much trouble we'd rathehave fun and do the pro bowl shuffle ♪ ♪ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: p bowl shuffle my thanks to will arnett and horatio sanz on that. thanks, guys, for playinwith us on that. [ cheers andpplause ] always appreciate that. s you guys know, we love words on this show. [ scattered claps ] and here's -- yeah, we lo words. re's something we've noticed. a lot of words start with the same letter [ cheers and applause ] for example -- [ laughter ] thwords "baseball" and "banana"oth start with t letter -- >> auence: "b." >> jimmy: and that's not all. "bus," "bartender," "barracuda," also start with -- >> dience: "b." >> jimmy: you can do this with any letter, you guys.
[ aughter ] please. applause ] [ coughing ] whoa. tonight, you can even win some cold, hard cash for doing it. because, that's right, it's me to play "buzzwords." ♪ buzzwords, buzzwords buzzwords ♪ >> jimmywelcome to "buzzwords." [ cheers and apause ] where audience members win money for saying amany words as possible that a start with the same letr. let me expln. in just a moment, i'll pick someone and ask them to roll a letter with thisultisided die, here. yeah. [ light laughter ] whatever letter you roll, you must attempt to say as ma words as you can that start with that letter remember, you can't say proper namesike "rachel" or "robert," if your letter's "r." and if you say the sameord twice or a word that doesn't exist orf you take too long, you're gonna get buzzed. [ buzz ] [ laughter
but for evercorrect word you say, i'm gonna give you ten bucks. [ cheers and applause ] >> [ tone loc recording ] let's do it. >> jimmy: g it? serious greenbacks right here. look athis guy. let bring our firs contestant. who wants to do it? whwants to play? are you in? [ cheers d applause ] come on, man. here you go. all right, here's your multisided letr die. what's your name and wre are you from? >> dante hall fromonnecticut. [ laughter ] ridgeport area. bridgepor-- >> jimmy: that's right. you should find out where you're from. that'd be awesome. [ laughter ] good for you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: yh, yeah, yeah. all right, rollhe die, let's see what you got, my man. oh man, you landed on the letter "o." [ light laughter ] [ audience s ] that's a touie, man. roots will play a little music while you go. in fact, rootsif you will, start now. ♪ remember, youave the letter "o." are you ready? >i'm ready. >> jimmy: go. >> "octopus," "odor" -- [ buzz ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- yodid good.
u did good. "octopus," "odor," that's two! here you go! you got one -- cheers and applae ] and you t two! there you go, buddy! ♪ thank you so much! [ cheers and applae ] you got it, there you . hoare you? >> hello, how are you >> jimmy: good. what is your name, where are you from? >>krista from long island. >> jim: krista, why don't you stand ? >>kay. >> jimmy: yeah, get ready r this. [ laughter ] >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: that was your bag anyway, wasn't it? yeah, all right. [ laughter ] all rightvery good. krista, here we go, here's the mtisided die, here. just give ia good roll. >> okay. >> jimmy: oh,eah. >> "c." >> jimmy: this is the letter "c." [ light lauger ] all right, here we go, ots. here we go, a little musi plee. ♪ and go. >> go -- "cat," "canary," "christmas," "cars," -- "chr," "candles." [ buzz ] no? >> jimmy: "chris" was -- >> no names? >> jimmy: no names. that's alright. that's -- y did good.
>> so close, so close. >> jimmy: you did good. >> was that four? >> jmy: you got four that's good. >> four? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimm here you go, you got four. one -- you got two- yogot three -- and you got four,aby! [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. thank you. [ cheers anapplause ] you want to do it? here y go. what is your name, wherere you from? >> i am abby, and i'm from texas. >> jimmyhey, welcome. [ cheers and appuse ] welcome to the show all ght, abby, give it a good roll there and gooduck to you. get a good letter. oh, boy. the letter is -- "e." [ audience ohs ] whoa, that's tough. toughie mcgee, toughie handleman. [ light ughter ] you ready? >> yes. >> jimmy: roots, a little music? go. >> "eat," "eager "elephant," "ear," "egg." [ buzz ] >> jimmy: hey! [ light ughter ]
>> steve: i made mistake! >> jimmy: youe gonna -- okay, keep going? >> oh,m -- now i don't know! "eagle," "earmuff," "exit." [ audience helping ] >> jimmy: hey, ut up! [ laughter ] >> "exit." [ buzz ] >> jimmy: all rig, good. what do we got there? what? [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah! >> jimmy: there, you got one -- two -- three -- four -- five -- six -- seven -- eit! tre you go! [ chrs and applause ] that's a lot what up, my man? i'm coming around this way. ♪ coming around the mountain when i come i'll be coming around the untain when we -- ♪ >> audience member: jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] >> jim: oh my gosh, oh, my gosh! pee-wee, how are you? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] pee-wee herman!
oh, my gosh, the great pee-wee herman,verybody! what e you doing here, pee-wee? >> well, just finished my broadway show. i'm off. i'm just seeing all the sights in new york, and -- laughs ] you're o. [ ughter ] >> jimmy: oh my god, m so happy you're here. you just recorded yourpecial for hbo, right? >> yeah, yeah, we just filmed it last night r hbo. >> jimmy: when is it goa air? >> march. >> jimmy: oh my gosh! pee--wee, thank you for coming. do you want to play "buzzwords"? >> wouli? yes! >>immy: yeah. all right, good. are you ready? >> yeah. come over. [ cheerand applause ] >> jimmy: all right, you just roll the multisided die. >> okay. >> jimmy: whatever letter it lands on is what we -- what we work with. >> does it have 26 des to it? >> jimmy: it has someing like that. >> all right, okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, the letter is -- "d." [ scattered cheers ] >> okay. >> jimmy: all right, ready? >> yes >> jimmy: are you nervous? >> a little, yeah. [ lahter ] it's for money, though. right >> jimmy: no. >> what? >> jimmy: no. she cleaned me o. [ laughter ] yea yeah, yeah. all right, ready? here go. >> okay.
>> jimmy: it is "d." on your mark -- >> ah. >> jimmy: get set. roots? go. >> "dog "dentist," "dam," "dump," "door-- what? "dill." [ buzz ] >> jimmy: whatid he get? five. five -- [ cheers and applause ] you did great. thank you for pying. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: go to see you. >> thank you so much! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: pee-wee herman. >> ank you very much. >> jimmy: ian't wait to see your show in march. i will be watching, my good man. oh, thank you,hank you so much! >>immy: thank you. [ cheers and plause ] you guys, th's it for "buzzwords." go to latenightwithjimmyflon.com to play more. we'll be righback with michelle williams. pee-wee herman! [ cheers and applause ♪
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everybody. our firstuest this evening is an academy award-nominated actress who ars opposite ryan gosling, inhe new film "blue valentine," which is currently playing in select cities and is generating a ladslide of critical praise and award season buzz. please welcome a very talented actress. michelle williams, erybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much. >> oh, anks. >> jimmy: gosh, you look gorgus. >> i do? >> jimmy: you look very beautiful. >> real? >> jimmy: yeah. thank you, so do you. >> jimmy-- short hair. thank you. i usually cut my hair short, too. it used to be real long. it useto be like long and all white, yeah. same as mine. >> jimmy: but n, i dyed it brown now and made it short but that's what i figured -- welcome. you're on my show. this is a fun thing. [ light laughter ] we'vknown each other for a littleit. >> i'm just thinking, "cou i e my hair brown?" >> jimmy: ye, you could do whatever with your face.
yeah -- >> would it freak yoout? >> jimmy: no. wouldn't freak me out. 'causee'd have similarair? no, we don't. ne is going up. it's almost like a bob's big boy type of thing. [ laughter ] but eitheway --- thank you so much for being re. congrats on this movie. >> thank you. >> jimmy: two golden globe ominations. one for you and onfor ryan. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's ftastic. i know, it's amazing. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, i know, thks. >> jimmy: twdouble gs. golden globes. is that two weeks or is that -- it's in two weeks, yes? when is the golden globes? >>i think one week >> jimmy: it's one week? one week away? that's right. it's re on nbc. >> countdown. >> jimmy: yeah, it's gonna be fun. it's exciting. >> i pe so. >> jimmy: yeah, i mean -- 'cause this movie's been around fo-- well, you've been wanting tit for awhile. >> yeah, it's be a really long time in the making. i rst read the script when i was 21, maybe 22 and now, i'm 30, so i've spent a third of my life wting to make this movie -- thinking about making this movie, making this movie, lking about making this movie- >> jimmy: and finally, it comes out. >> yeah. >> jimmy: 'cause it was in sundance and cannes and now we can finally -- everyone can go see it. yeah, everyone can go see it. >> jimmy: wellpeople are loving it, though.
it's amang. so, what happened? you and ryan were attached like ten years ag how did you guys know each other? >> yeah, no, we didn't know each other. we'd never reay met and we basically -- i think we'd gone outo dinner once or seen each other. we were in a movie together but never -- but we never met. we didn't have any scenes together. and we sort met and said, "hey, how are u? nice to see you again," andhen ard, "action." so, we kind of t on film. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. and now, it came back in now and ou're just like, "oh, this is he right time to do it." and ts -- who's the director again? >> his name's derek cianfrance. >> jim: yeah, now, what -- this guy d you do some crazy stuff. 'cause he basicallyaid, "all right,eady to do the movie? awesome. >> yh. >> jimmy: "except, t's just not go by the script >>yeah, i mean, i've been -- like i said -- volved with this movie for, ou know, almost ten years, and i show up to finally make is movie and he said, "i wantou throw the script away. it's gbage. it's old. if you say anything that's in it, i'm gonna be bored." > jimmy: "it's garbage." come , no -- no. >> "that's why i'm here so we -- i had to learn how to improvis >> mmy: so you improvised a lot scene. now it's "blue valentine." explain to evyone what it is -- what it's about. >> it's a love story, really, honestly, purely, truly and simply. it's a love story at it's core.
it's duet. it's a duet between a man d a woman, between the past and the present, between love and hate. andt's told, sort of in two timrames, when the couple isoung and falling in love and en you're at wh looks to be the end of the mriage. >> jimmy: 'cause i read that you -- heould just tell you, like, "ok, today is gonna be your first date, and i'm gonna film you all day lo." >> yeah >> jimmy: so you go off of th? that's all he tells you? >> yeah, no, we got to work one night and he said at sunset -- he sa, "we're gonna film until the sun comesp, now, go." with no scrip no ideas, no knowing what was gonna happen, so there's 12 -- i mean, not a lot of it makes it into the movie, but there's 12 hours of footage of us making thingup. at one point, we put -- i didn't make into the movie, buat one point, we put makeup on each other. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: ve done that on a lot of my fst dates, yeah. [ laughter ] thawas the only date, sadly. yeahbut -- > he made me up to look like a scary, skeleton ghost, and i made him up to look like a loose
woman. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what otr -- did you have tricks up your sleeves? did you know he was -- did you know the director was gonna do this, like, "oh, i'm gonna do-" >> i knew that that nit was coming, so i prepared foit becse i didn't knowhat was gonna happen and you n't sort of -- you can't go and expect that things are just gonna ll from the y. like, you have to go prepar, so i -- and it's ryan gosling too. like, he has lot of tricks up his sleeve. so i lrned -- i wanted to have skills, i want to have talents that i could - - so i learned how to read palms. >> jimmy: readalms? >> i learned how to -- >> jimmy: can you read my palm? >> i learned how to tie a maraschino -- you're gonna have a long and happy life. >> jimmy: real? [ aughter ] wait, that was great that was -- you just made that up. is that all you do? ohy god, i'm gonna totally do th at parties. "i can read palms,ou guys! let me read -- you're gonna he a long and happy life." [ light laughter ] so good. so gd, it works. it makes you feel good. [ cheersnd applause ] >> yeah, doesn'tt? >> jimmy: yeah. well, we have one of the scenes, here from "blue lentine." this is the -- one of the sces of the first date. >> oh boy. >> jimmy: here's the great michelle williams. >> you can tap dance?
>> can you? >> no. you. i'll play you something and you dce. okay? come here. come here like this. right here behind, the heart -- in front of the heart. okay. [ strums chord ] ian't really sing i have to sing goofy in order sing. like, i havto sing stupid, okay? >> okay. ♪ ♪ youlways the hurt the ones you love the worst ♪ >> jimmy: come on! that was -- [ cheers and applause ] so good.
that's awesome. and very believable. it's so amazing. it's like this whole -- joury in that movie. great job. go see mhelle williams in "blue valenne!" a great movie! up next, comedian patton oswalt, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ wait, what? right now? bear 1: right now. bear 2: but we aren't actors. wee bears. or dogs. or something. bear 1: it's to prove a int. geico.com is so easy that in the 15 minutes it to us to make this commercial... ...you could se hundreds on car insurance. bear 2: did we just bloyour mind?
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he's now the ahor of a new ook, "zombie spaceship wasteland." please welcome patton oswalt, everybody. ♪ [ cheersnd applause ] >> ohmy god. >> jimmy: thiss crazy. patton oswalt, welcome, budd >> how are y doing, man? >> jimmy: i'm dog really great. thank you for coming on the show. you're -- you're an author. >> i'm a -- wroted a book. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're in the library of congresnow. i have a library of congress umber. yeah. th would be good for my first tattoo, you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i mean, you'vbeen waiting this long -- >> yeah, actly. my lower back is shaved and waxed and ready to go, man. [ laughter ] get that right there, boom! >> jimmy: you just have it prered? st in case? >> just in ce. you know -- here's my number. do it!" >> jimmy: as a stand-up though, i mean, and an actor -i mean, do you feel -- did you ever think you would
write a boo i guess you could. >> well, i mean, in my head, when i started it, i thght i was going to be writer someday. anthen, you know, stand-up, which you just write a very shortoke and get an immediate reaction is so much easier. so, you know, i kind of feel like i've come full circle. like, oh, i'mctually going to write a whole book now. but what was hard was i'm ed to that immediateeaction, so i had to, kind of, re-create that atmosphere when i wrote it. so, i hired a guy to heckle me while i would write. laughter ] you know, he'd be li, "you suck, man. rk twain rules! [ laughter ] that'while i was trying to write. and then, yeah, en i forced myself to have a two-drink minimum before every writing session. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you would have it, yeah. >> i would, yeah. and en -- also, it's be like, you know, when i would see the lig, i'd be like, ", i've got to get off. i've got to finish." >> jim: yeah, your lasbit. >> and i served nachos eve time i wrote. >> jimmy: i just remember chicken fingers was the oni would always get. >> yeah, the chicken fingers. jimmy: it's a rlly cool book because you got bunch of cool stories in here. some sta-up routines, but also storiesnd then, like, fl
disclosureon what you actually were doing while you wrote that chapter. >> i just felt like i was trying to be as honest as i could in the memoir section. so, i would put what did on the internet while was trying to write the chapter. like i would go off and, you know, play gem-craft or i would look up the lyrics to toto's "99" for no reason, younow? [ laughter ] and i felt kind of bad,ut -- hey, you know, for all we know, en vladimir nabokov was writing "lolita," he would maybe take a break and go out and throw batteriest cars. we dot know what they did. [ laughter ] > jimmy: i don't know. >> he didn't write about that. you know,aybe he released some stress. >> jimmy: i don't know. that's true. >> no one knows. >> mmy: speaking of music, in he, you have a lite -- michael stipe is on t audiobook. >> yeah, i do a chapter that's kind f structured around lyrics om the album "fables of the reconstruction," which is, like, one of my favorite aums of all time. >jimmy: this just makes me lau. i love thiimage. >> well, for the audiobook, they -- i know a friend tt go -- asked michael, "would you ad your own lyrics in this chter?" and he was so cool, and he said, "i'll do it.
yeah, that's ne." >> jimmy; that's amazing right there. >> so, he went into a recoing studion atlanta and did it. and then when he got there, he was like, "oh, these lyrics are wrong." he got them -- listened to the album for years, in my head, this is what they sang. [ light laughter ] and then, he laughed, and he's like, "well, he got this totall wrong." but he actually liked the fact that they weren't e right lyrics. beause he's like, "this is how he heard them, and this is how it affected him." so, he just read the lyrics that i wrote down for the book and thoughthat was -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what a cool gu you rewrote an r.e.m. classic. >> yeah, and he was like, "ah, let's go with it. [ laughter ] it's not bad. i like it." >> jimm i think that's cool of him. the only otherhing i love is grandma's gift >> i have a whole chapter about my grandma runfola. she loved to give gifts, but what she loved even more was to tell you the story of how she got you the gift. so, the gifts re insanely inappropriate. they had nothing to do with you. it had everything to with this amazing, "i went on this search and i found this thing." like when i was 8, got an
autograed picture of chuck yeager, but it was tographed to someone named jimmy. it wasn't autographed to me. laughter ] and s -- and i was, like, looking this. and she said, "well, now, i know you ke that movie 'space battles' with the big -- >> jimmy: "space btles?" >> i was like, "star -- she goes, "all right, 'star wars.' i'm sorry. so i was going to go ton eate sale. and, on the way, i saw a sign for a rummage sale. and the sign was written on the bottom this pizza box from that ple manzi's, where the kid with the weird eye works. and y don't know which eye is lookg at you. [ laughter ] so, i went to the rummage sale. d they had a ox for a dime. and i bought it for the dime. nd that picture is in there. and he's kind of like n solo, isn't he?" [ laughter ] that was the whole story, i swear to god. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you go, "i love you grandm." >> "thanks, grandma?" >> jimmy: that's so awesome. now, are you on a crazy, big book tour for this? >> i'm on -- i'm doing a pretty big tour.
it's not huge. i'm not tting as many cities i'd like. >> jimmy: would y read an excerpt? >> well, that'shat i was going to aually ask you. and i don'want to -- this is just a blatant shl. youshow, millions opeople watch it, you're all over the internet every single night. , i was wonderin could i use your show to, kinof -- because people are watching your show bed right now. you know, they're up at nigh they're in bed. so, what i wanted to do to, kind of, you know, reachpotential readers, could i read them an excet in bed? would that be okay >> jimmy: absolutely. >> you have no problem? >> jimmy: i would love for you to do ts. that would be amazing. >> jimmy, that is so cool. >> jimmy: pattooswalt. why don't you go over ere and get ready? all right. that's amazing. patton, tnk you so much. here we go, he going to get into bed. and now, getozy. >> here we go. >> jimmy:nd now, ladies and gentlemen, reading from "zombie spacesh wasteland" from mr. patton oswalt. cheers and applause ] >> oh, god, i'm exhausted, amrica. are you?
yeah. hey, l's -- do you mind if i read you a little bit ofy new book "zombie spaceship wasteland?" you'd like that? okay, cool. what's that? of course, it's on kindle. [ laughter oh, here's a romantic passage. ♪ "the dungeon master had taken my figure off the table, to the side, to reesent how my character had gone through a hell ptal to a different plane of extence, where the sky was boiling blood and the ground as the scabbed over corpse of de god. ulvak, my half-orc/assassin character, stood in dragon-de armor and a tattered cloc holding bloodgusher, his sentient broadsword, one-handed. [ laughter the den who ruled this hell plane, forget his name rlayed with ulvak, offering to nd him back to the material plane of existence, if he'd act as the demon's messenger and assassin."
[ yawning ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and plause ] [ whispering ] >> jimmy: patton will be at caroline's on broadway this weekend. the book is in stores now, and on kindle. patton oswalt, everybody. [ cers and applause ] we're cooking meatballs with daniel holzm and michael chernow next. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> m: getting across town to a job interview is strsful enough without being late. i nt guidance that takes me where i need to be, without any problems along the wa i fe the same way when i do taxes. tuotax has a unique gps feature th guides me step-by-step. and calculatio are guarteed 100% accurate, so i kw it's done right. they even ofr representation in case ofn audit. which helps me reach my maximum refund, guaranteed >> try turbot online now. you don't pay unless you're satisfied with the results. [ male announcer this is the evo 4g.
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[ cheers andpplause ] >> jimmy: hey, our next guests are the owners and chefs of the popular new york restaura, the meatball shop. please welcome daniel holzman and michael chernow right here. [ ches and applause ] p thank y, guys. thanyou so much for ing here. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you r being here, you guys. i've had their meatballs before, and they arphenomenal. but, first, we're ing to have a little -- thank you. well, first, 're going to have a little drink? >> port toddy. it's cold out. it is snowg. thre's nothing better than a lile port toddy. >> jimmy: what is a port toddy? >> it'sessentially, a hot toddy, we make it with port at the meatball shop. cinnamon stick, tea bag, a little lemon -- squeeze a little lemon in there. >> jimmy: go for it. >> a little honey. you can make them at home real easy. >> jmy: and you have that with theeatballs? >> have it with the atballs. it's the perfect palate cleaer. it's the perfect palate cleanser. [ light laughter ] jimmy: what is the secret to ur meatballs? i know you have bunch of different types of meatballs at the meatball shop. you got buffalo chicken meatballs. >> buffalo ccken wing balls, a little bleuheese sauce, a little hot sau to finish. the secret to a great meatball, man, top quality iredients. >> jimmy: ok, that's good. because a lot opeople have -- they make the meatballs with,
like, red wi in their hands. i've done that. no onelse? ay. [ laughter ] >> that's an unusual trick. >> we keeit simple. >> jimmy: yeah? >> we start with ingredients. we add love. ooh, you g an extra cockta for me? i'm going to make one. i'm making one right now. while you'reipping on that, do you wanto -- >> jimmy: how do you guys know each other? >> 13 years old, higschool together. high school sweethearts. [ lghter ] >> working as delivery boys when we were 13 years d. >> jimmy: is that right? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: and you t together? >> tell them the truth, man. >> jimmy: how did you get into making meatballs? >> how diwe get into making meatballs? >> jim: yeah. >> you know, meatballsre delicious. they're simple. everybody loves a meatball. who doesn't love a meatball? >> jimmy: so was more of a business move? like, i thineveryone would like it? >>verybody loves a meatball, y know? >> jimmy: how did you know you could make them well? >> it was, like, some portunity to shoase these great ingredientthat we've been working with. >> jimmy: what do you put in here? this meat? >> this guys is a magician in e kitchen, first of all. >> wenow you like it spicy. >> jiy: yeah, i do.
>> so wgot daniel down give us a little grind action >> jimmy: yeah. >> thank you very much. >> portati. >> iyou just give that a twist --ou don't have to be a chef. >> jimmyyeah, very good. >> that's incdible. you're doing very, verwell. >> grind them up, grind them up. i'm going to throw the peppers -- >> grind them up, grind them up. > jimmy: wait, you put peppers in the pork? >> right in the mi that incredible. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: watch your fingers, buddy. >> i am a professional. >> jmy: all right, good. so, you gothe pork, you got the peppers there. >> we got pork, we got peppers. after that, it goes right in this big mixing bowl. if you want to give us a m? >> jimmy: okay, good. let just say i mixed it. >> you d a very good job. [ laughter ] >> i'going to roll these bad boys er here. i'm going to get these going. >> we got eggs. we got some brd crumbs. >> jimmy: bread crum. now, here's the bread crumbs any ecial bread crumbs? >> i like use fresh bread. >> jimmy: really? >fresh bread. >> that's one of e secrets. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> d, obviously, some salt. we're mixing them up. and if you're a professional, like we are down at the shop, you get that, which is the meatball mixture. >> this is the meatball mixture. >and it's very easy. scoop them out and throthem right on there. >> if you were are a professional, they wouldook something like this. >> jimmy: and then you bake the meatballs? >> we bake all of our meatballs in the shop. [ talking over one another ] we braise some after we bake them, which is also exciting. but, basically, if you've been -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "braising balls,"
that's the name of my fi bok. [ laughter ] [ alause ] >> talking about books, we got a book coming out in the fall. >> jimmy: do you? >> "the meaall shop cookboo" dropping in the fall. >> jimmy: you only have one location now, the meatball shop? >> ooh, soon toe. >> we havstanton street down on thlower east sid we're openinup one on the we village. actually, you are the first to know that. >> mmy: really? >> you are the first to know west village. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: congratulations! i love it. >> we also ve at one that's opening up in williamsburg on bedford avenue. >> jimmy: brookn, let's do it. >> it's going be a big year for the meatba boys. >> jimmy: hey, you guys, i areciate you coming down here. i can't wait to eat these things. let's do it up right now. aniel holzman, michael chernow. op by the meatball shop if y're in new york city. we'll be right back, everybody. let's do some shots with tse guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ib